Boga listens to his friend patiently as he stares at the fire, his left thumb running along the tops of each of his nails on the same hand individually. His stomach is beginning to radiate some warmth that gently lingers up his chest. Despite Currituck directly looking at him and his eyes, or goggles for that matter, Boga makes no attempt to turn and face him, instead letting the fire envelope his visual attention.
Currituck does have some good points, he's not going to deny that. Hiding his fidgetting is somewhat of a speciality of his. He might not be able to hide his stimming completely like Currituck can behind his back, but Bo has worked hard over the years to mask his need to play and fuss around with things in his hands. As a child, he'd play with anything and everything, no object was off-limits. He'd tug and twist his shirt, he'd chew on his hair, he'd walk and stomp his feet as hard as he could, sometimes he would sit and shakes his hands and head for hours, or squeeze his fists with all of his might. He'd used to sing and hum often as well. Screaming, singing, repeating what others say— those tended to be his favourites out of all of the stims. But these were also the first to be shut down. This behaviour is not something people like to see or hear, and Bo learned that the hard way. So he's worked to not do these things anymore. Instead of biting his hair, he's changed it for twisting its strands. Instead of stomping and flailing his hands, he taps his suspenders or collarbone. He doesn't sing anymore, he doesn't stomp, and he only shakes his hands when he can get away with it, like when he's warming up. It's significant progress, actually. Going from where he was as a child who seemed so irrational to others to being able to mask his needs well enough that others no longer comment on it— that's quite a change. Currituck probably doesn't even realize how important it is to Bo for him to do things like run his thumb across his nails or tap his bottle or even bounce his heel on the ground. Bo's never understood why it's important to him to do it, he just does it and he likes it. But he wishes he didn't. He wishes he can just be normal and not have to worry about how uncomfortable he's making other people with his actions.
Masking himself is good and all until he can't control it anymore and he bursts like a melon underneath the hoof of a steed.
Currituck goes on, talking about trying things you don't know. Bo does want to try out the position for BAFL, he hasn't done anything like it in the past. People have tried to convince him to become a part of certain organizations before, but he simply never goes along with it. So he does want to do it, he just doesn't think he should. Leaders should be people who are well-liked and trusted by the community. People that everyone can depend on in their darkest moments to show them the way. Boga isn't that type of person. He needs help. Serious help. People don't like it usually, those who know him rarely trust him, and when things grow dark Boga can't even figure himself out, let alone lead others to their own understandings. He's just not a leader.
He'll never be.
"It's not that I don't want to have this conversation," Boga says when Currituck finishes. "I do, in a way. It's just..." The warmth inside him loosens his tongue just a tad. "I don't think I can be a leader. There are so many things you have to be in order to be a leader and I'm just not. And I don't know if I even want to be more confident or anything like that either because when I am things don't go well." When he's confident and sure, people get hurt. Their feelings, their bodies, himself included. He was so sure that he was happy and confident enough to express that with Quent'n and now he has a fractured rib. He was so sure he was angry and didn't want to be touched at the market that the boys he was helping got punished for making him mad. He was so sure that he was furious and trapped that he bashed his head and fists into the walls, breaking half of his furniture.
A sure Boga is a dangerous Boga. He doesn't want to be dangerous.
He takes a heftier glug from his cider.
